Play it safe this Thanksgiving

“There is one day that is ours. Thanksgiving Day is the one day that is purely American.” ~O. Henry

“Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence .” ~Erma Bombeck

I hold a record of sorts. Not a World Record—nothing prestigious, like most snails on face or fastest hundred meter hurdle wearing swim fins—but I think there is an asterisk in Thanksgiving lore with my name attached to it. Last year, I used three different cooking apparatuses to cook my turkey and those who ate it lived to tell the tale. I had this brilliant idea, like all men do, that I was going to smoke a turkey for Thanksgiving dinner. My Dad cooked it that way, and I guess I paid enough attention to the process to wing it.

Two weeks prior to the big day, I did all the requisite homework. I bought the bird, brined the bird in a big cooler, researched all necessary injectable concoctions, rubs and aromatic cavity blends. When the big day was upon me, I woke up at the crack of dawn. I lugged out my cooler and started my Green Egg in a low slow mode. I only had a half bag of lump charcoal, but I have never had to refill the charcoal. Once I had the grill set up, I put the behemoth bird on the grill, closed the lid, and with my trusty blue tooth temperature gauge on my waist, went inside. One hour later, with the deafening blare of an air raid horn, the temperature gauge alarmed me that the temperature was reaching a critical level. I ran downstairs, popped open the lid, and there, glistening in all of its turkey-flesh goodness with hardly a golden hue was my bird surrounded by burnt out gray ash below. In that hour, the turkey had become a heat sink and sucked all the life out of my charcoal.

About that time, my lovely wife asked inquisitively, but with a tinge of concern, “How’s it going, honey?” as she stared at a basically uncooked fowl.

I reassured her that everything was great, pulled the turkey off, relit the grill, let it get to the appropriate temperature and put the turkey back on.

One hour later…“WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP!” the alarm went off, and I was all out of charcoal. By then, it was going on 10 a.m., and I was starting to get a little desperate. But I couldn’t abandon the smoked turkey dream. I quickly lit my gas grill, wrapped up some wood chips and tried it again. Unfortunately, I only had enough propane for another hour. My lovely wife was becoming just a little peeved as her side-dishes were done, the three-year-old was getting tired and the other children were getting restless.

No problem. I’m already at 130 degrees, I thought. I can just pop it in the oven for another 45 minutes, and voila, dinner will be served.

Now, I know the adage, “a watched pot never boils,” but that Thanksgiving, I learned that a watched turkey thermometer never hits 165 degrees. Finally, it did, albeit four hours later than Thanksgiving dinner was supposed to start, at which time we had a dinner rivaling that of a Norman Rockwell painting.

Obviously, part of my goal is to keep y’all—my readers—entertained, however, to justify to Southeast Georgia Health System that these ramblings have a purpose, they encourage me to include something informative and possibly educational.

Fried Turkey

The first topic, and one near and dear to my heart, is turkey fryers. Here in the South, we believe everything tastes better fried. You name it, and I promise you it has been fried: Oreos, Snickers, macaroni, pickles, cheese… the list goes on and on. I’ve even had a fried hamburger. It was heavenly, though I had chest pain running down my left arm for a week. Fried turkey is the quintessence of a fried delicacy. However, the preparation scares me to death. The National Safety Council (NSC) reports 168 turkey-fryer fires since 2002 with 672 people injured (I was almost 673). The NSC discourages the use of turkey fryers at private homes, but for those who don’t heed the advice, here are a few tips:

• Set up the fryer more than 10 feet from the house, and keep children and pets away.
• Find flat level ground; the oil must be even to ensure safety.
• Use a thawed and dry turkey; any water will cause the oil to bubble furiously and spill over. (BEEN THERE, DONE THAT!)
• Beware of the fryer lid and handle that can cause burns.
• Have a fire extinguisher (or two) ready at all times.

Traditional Turkey

For those of you who plan to go the traditional oven method, here are a few tips to prevent giving the gift of food poisoning. It would be better if the turkey evokes a round of applause and not multiple rounds to the bathroom or the hospital.

Buy carefully:

• Avoid fresh, stuffed turkeys.
• Buy your turkey at least 1-2 days before you cook it
• Store it in the refrigerator or the freezer if you purchase it earlier.

Defrost properly:

• Thaw in the refrigerator. Every four to five pounds needs one day to thaw.
• Submerge the turkey wrapped in leak proof packaging in cold water. The water should be changed every half hour. (Every one pound needs 30 minutes to thaw.)
• Personally, I’m not a fan of microwaving, but if you choose that route, closely follow the manufacturer’s instructions.

Cook immediately after thawing:

• The temperature of the turkey should be 165 degrees Fahrenheit (at least).
• Cook stuffing separately.

Don’t carve immediately:

• It’s best to let the turkey sit for 20 minutes after removing it from the oven. Go check the scores of the game. Chat. Enjoy yourself.

Keep clean:

• Wash your hands often.
• Never handle cooked and raw food together to prevent cross contamination .
• Keep all surfaces and utensils clean.

Safety Tips

Finally, let’s not forget the little guys running around the kitchen and the dining room table, creating havoc. Both kids and pets should be monitored, so they don’t get hurt. Make sure they stay out of the kitchen during all the cooking, as this is an invitation to get burned by the numerous bubbling pots and casseroles. Also make sure all knives, sharp objects and open flames are out of reach. During clean up, make sure all plates are cleared of any turkey bones as this is too enticing for animals to resist. Remember, bird bones are hollow and can splinter when eaten, leading to internal injuries and therefore not safe for pets.

I hope these pointers allow for everyone to have a safe, happy Thanksgiving replete with a tryptophan-induced nap on the couch with the din of football in the background.

Happy Thanksgiving!